I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
