the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We need to get me chipped asap
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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