I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
