I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
