This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
