You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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