I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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