I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
