my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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