remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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