i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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