My first STD was from a foam party
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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