for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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