totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
