I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
