I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
