she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
