we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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