Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I love having hate sex.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
