good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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