A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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