Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
