Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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