My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
