Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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