My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
