cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
