I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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