What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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