Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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