it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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