my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
