i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
