NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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