Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
