I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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