my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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