Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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