God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
