Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
