Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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