That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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