bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
