This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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