I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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