Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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