you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
