So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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