3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
