the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
