Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
